Liar, liar, pants on fire
Your nose is longer than a telephone wire
Ask me, baby, why I’m sad
You’ve been out all night, know you’ve been bad
OK, here’s a question for all you dog owners out there. Do your dogs fake poop?
I take Igor out for one last walk every evening around 11:00 PM and we always walk the same route. He noses around until he finds a place he wants to pee and that could be anywhere but he always stops in the same spot to poop. A spot which he seems to need to locate exactly by smell–I mean he really snuffles around to find it and I’m patient, I let him take his time.
Then he takes the pooping stance. You know that “Omigawd I’ve got to dump a big one and it ain’t gonna be pretty” contorted dog stance? The one that makes you look away and pretend that that isn’t your dog on the end of the leash you are holding in your hand. The one that makes you cringe because it looks like something so damn painful is about to happen. The one where they get “that look” on their face, like they’re concentrating on something very important.
OK so he makes the stop and takes the stance and does the poop dance. You know, the poop dance. Those four or five steps a dog takes when they are are all hunched up in the contorted poop stance with that far away look on their sweet faces while they are actually realeasing the poop from their colon. THAT dance.
Ok, so Igor does the poop dance in the same place every night but I’ll be damned if I can ever find the evidence. I swear, there is NEVER any poop there. I thought, well, maybe I just can’t see the poop. I’m old, bad night vision and all that but when I went back to look the next morning I could never find any evidence of any poop either.
Now Madison is a really clean city but I really, really doubt if there is a poop patrol out there cleaning up after Igor and me. But one never knows and Madison has laws about leaving pet waste laying around. I don’t want to be breaking any laws. Especially not shitty laws.
My friend Kathleen has started walking with us for the past few nights and she couldn’t see any poop either. So tonight she reminded me to take my flashlight and brought hers along as well. We decided we were going to solve this shitty mystery. Dogs just don’t FAKE pooping.
Igor fakes pooping. Every.single.night. He goes throught the ritual of pooping but he doesn’t poop. He pretends to poop!
Why? Why does he assume the stance, get that look on his face, and embarrass himself and me every.single.night? What’s with that?
By the way, did you know that Dachshund literally means Badger Dog? Pretty appropriate dog for Madison folks to have, eh? There are all kinds of them in the downtown area. Most of them are miniatures. I have one of the kingsized ones. Or maybe he’s a Large Economy Size. Compared to the Mini’s, he’s a giant! I’ve actually met one with blue eyes! That is a really cool dog!
My daughter’s greyhound has red eyes though–that’s even cooler. I thought it was my camera making her eyes red and kept trying to take the red out until I really looked at her when I was taking a picture of her to be sure the flash wouldn’t catch her eyes. She’s ebbil!