Auto-Immune Disorders, Bi-Polar Mood Disorder, City Life, Gardening, Houseplants, Lupus, Personal Health Issues, University of Wisconsin--Madison

Sentimental Garden Thoughts For the Day

I have this cool little calendar thingie that gives you an uplifting thought for the day. Something to start each morning with and ponder throughout the day about gardening. My best-friend from high-school gave it to me when I turned 50. (Details to follow.)Today’s little homily is from Pierre De Ronsard, whoever in hell HE was and goes like this:

Live now, believe me,

wait not until tomorrow;

gather the roses of life today!

Carpe` Diem all the way! Isn’t that interesting since I was shouting that to the rooftops in my last post. I’m going to try to read each day’s homily this year. I don’t garden any more because it’s kind of hard to till soil this high in gthe sky but I have my house plants.

So what does Carpe` Diem (seize the day) mean to me? Well, I try to live in the moment and not worry too much about the future or dwell on the past even though I don’t succeed all that much in the dwelling part. I like to revisit the good memories so I’m not dwelling on the crapola of which there is a god’s plenty if I can help it. Dwelling on the crapola sucks but sometimes it just won’t leave a body alone.

I love my life for the most part. I like who I am personally and where I’m at. This isn’t exactly what I planned for myself but what is is and I can and have made the best of this in many ways. There are a few glitches here and there but hell, if there weren’t glitches in life we’d all die of sheer boredom. Stress is good in moderation. It keeps us alert and on the move, seizing the day.

I have an undiagnosed auto-immune disorder and I am Bi-Polar. Both conditions aggravate the hell out of each other. It’s like having two pissed off tomcats of equal strength and experience in your body trying to establish dominance while I walk a tightrope trying to keep everything in balance so they stay calm. sigh…

For the time being, I have chosen not to pursue a diagnosis for my autoimmune disorder. Frankly, I doubt one can be found since it runs in my family and everyone I have talked to has a different Dx . My guess is all those Dxs are probably wrong. I was treated for Lupus for FIVE years 2 & 1/2 of those years I was on a low level dose of chemotherapy and never once did I go into remission.

I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota and they looked at my records, my family history and me and said they didn’t think it was Lupus. They suggested I stop taking all of those medications (29 pills) and see what happened so I weaned myself off of them and what do you know? I felt better than I had felt in years. Of course that was short-lived but it was nice for the 6 months I enjoyed the reprieve.

I’ve been scared of specialists ever since and have opted for palliative care. I know that the Doctors at the University of WI Hospital and Clinics are some of the best in the nation but I’m afraid of medicine men period. Keep me relatively pain free with as few drugs as possible and I’m happy. I don’t expect a cure. I don’t even expect a diagnosis.
I should probably get my ass back to a specialist again since I’m starting to unravel a bit more quickly than I’d like to see happen. Especially since my doctor of choice is a Physician’s Assistant. <heh> She’s really good though. She researches this stuff reall thoroughly and when I go to see her it’s not a ten or fifteen minute appointment. It’s half an hour to forty-five minutes that are blocked out on her schedule for me.

I know I should let the specialists have at me again though. It’s been seven years. A lot has changed in seven years. I just don’t want to be anybody’s “interesting case” that they write up for their medical journals or drag in all their damn students to see or experiment on to find out what is wrong and how to fix it.

Often times the cures are worse than the ailment and I’m more interested in quality of life than longevity. I want to seize the day and hold it in the palm of my hand as the seconds tick away. I want to trace the contours of the early morning sky just before the sun rises over the horizon and I want to taste the sherbert colors of the sunrise.

I want to waltz in the bright hot sunlight of mid-day to the tune of the calls of mating birds in a meadow of wildflowers, Queen Annes Lace and Russian Thistle pulling at my skirts, a giant Sunflower for a parasol. I want to lay down under a full moon in a July wheat feild and listen to the grain sigh in waves so lonely and mournful you’d swear they know the combine is coming the next day. I want to hear the corn growing again.

I want to seize the day and hold it in the palm of my hand, joining the hustle and bustle of a progressive city where young people gather and people watch or join in a philosophical discussion at an outdoor sidewalk cafe/coffee house, drinking iced coffee laced with kalhua.(however you speel that liqueur it’s wonderful). I want to read an erotic poem written about my lover at an open mike night and flirt with the man across the way who reads his poems in French and English in a sexy voice. I want to take James Earl Jones voice to bed with me and let it hug me with it’s strength and power.

I want to seize the day and wish myself into anytime and anyplace I could ever want to be and I would wish myself back on the beach with him, back to the very last time we kissed and I would tell him again that I loved him, would always love him even though this was the last time I would ever be able to tell him that. I would tell him thank you for being part of my life because he saved me in a way. I would tell him thank you for my children. And I would kiss him again before I walked away. I love you Skip. Thank you. Rest in peace. See you later.

Seize the day. Carpe` Diem. Gather the roses of life today. We might not get a tomorrow. This is it, Baby, this moment is all we’ve got to work with so let’s cram as much living into it as we can.

BairbreSine

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